Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
