come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize