if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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