Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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