Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How does one acquire holy water?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
