New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
