please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
