you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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