You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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