i already hear my dad disowning me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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