omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
