she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
