Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just gift wrapped bread.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
