I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
