lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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