I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
