at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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