I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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