I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
