sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
