take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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