Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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