he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
How external is "for external use only"?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize