Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
