I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
