I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
