my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize