It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
