just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
