textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
