My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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