I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
