the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize