He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
