Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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