how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
