Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize