Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The power of my boobs compel you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
