Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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