What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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