Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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