im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
