I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
