Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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