I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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