I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
