she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
