The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
