He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
