Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
not ubering you a puppy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
