Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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