I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
