Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
